I Hate Myself

I hate myself, I'm a little bitch. I hate myself because I'm a gay man that cannot admit it to the outside world, because of a fear of rejection. I've been gay since I could remember, and I also remember thinking it will just "Go Away"; eventhough in my mind I knew it would never "Go Away". But the major reason I hate myself is because it took me years to even Come out on the internet. Earlier today is the first time I admitted to one person that I was gay. I found his webpage and read about him and seen that he had almost the same interest I do. He was a bear, knew HTML and Java, and liked music I didn't hate. Just by reading about him in his website, I was compelled to write him, and I did. This was my first step into coming out. I know I have a lot more to do, but I hope that someday I'll get there. But anyways, I was thinking just now. If it took me years to accept I was even gay, and it took me even longer after that just to Come out to a stranger, on the internet, that I will probably never meet in my lifetime. How long will it take me to be fully out; today, tomorrow, a year from now, 2 years from now, never? I know that I cannot keep depriving myself from my desires. I'm just making my life a living hell, and I need to let go of that. Some days I feel great about being gay, saying to myself, "I wouldn't change a thing about myself". But other days like today I look back on my life and see disappointment, what I could of done, should of done, and hatred towards myself for "making" my life this way. Then I have to set back and remember that it wasn't a choice, and that I'm still young and have quite a bit of life left to achieve my dreams, but if I keep in the closet this will never come to pass. I will wither and die knowing no love from either myself or others.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings, and the crappy writing, I'll try next time to make it flow a bit better and actually split it up into manageable pieces.

with love and respect,
BSmith


P.S.
I Like to leave quotes sometimes here is one

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence
and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction

The chain reaction of evil
hate begetting hate
wars producing more wars
must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation."
                                                --Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)