JJ

Last post was in 2006 - lot has happened. But why post something on a literally defunct blog?  Something horrible happened. Reading my last few posts it seems to be a theme with me, but i promise i'm doing better but this last week and two days have been trying.

Five years ago i met someone; at the time he was a co-worker and later became an object of my lust then an object of my affection and then a friend. He made me happy. He was the most beautiful individual i've ever met. I'm not talking about looks, at the beginning he was a solid 6.5 on the fuckablity scale, but his personality was unrivaled. He was the type of person that would do anything for anyone. I fell for him. He was just unreal to me. But it wasn't meant to be since he was straight. I wished things were different in the beginning and part of me still does but i came to terms that we'd never would be anything but friends and it hurt. Hurt to the point that i withdrew from him, there were times that i couldn't even approach him and hid away. The hurt never really went away; knowing i would have given anything and everything up for a chance with him. But i knew his kindness and love he gave to everyone he met was unparalleled and my feelings grew to the point where his happiness was more important to me than my own.

I found out more about this individual over time and learned about his wants; and everything i learned i wanted for him. He wanted a family; i tried to facilitate that. I tried to find a lady that i think would be worthy of him but everyone couldn't get past one small thing about him. This infuriated me.

Before i met him he had an automobile accident; he lost a leg in that accident. But that didn't slow him down at all. He kept doing the things that made him happy the same as before the accident. His ability to not let his accident keep him down is probably the thing i was most endeared by. For me i think i would have folded, checked out of society because how they would conceive me. He faced it with a brave face and humor. It was probably the most powerful thing about him and what really got me looking at him as more than a bit of eye candy. Then the legal trouble started.

An accusation ended our time together at work. I remember the day he was forced to resign. It was going to be the hot gossip around the watercooler that day... but it wasn't. It was everyone that ever met him rallying to his side. It was profound. I've never been witness to anything like it and i doubt i ever will. That's when the feelings cemented for me.

But as we all know that all the wishing and hoping wouldn't change anything.

He wasn't gone for long, no longer employed where i work, i'm fortunate enough to work with the public and he was a regular visitor. I would talk for awhile, and withdraw when things became too much. This ebb and flow lasted several years until a week and two days ago. During this time more things were said that resonated with me. These just reinforced what i already knew; that he was just a lovely being. A few times he came over to my house for various things, none of note, but those were fleeting moments i wished i could have made last forever. I know it's probably the cheesiest thing i've could have written, but it was true, wish i could live in those moments where nothing of note ever happened. Wish i could have those moments back; but now it's impossible.

He died, August 6th 2016. An accident, i feel guilty for. I wasn't there, i was at work, there is no way i could have done anything, but i feel guilty.

The last time he was over at my house he seen my ever growing guitar collection and asked me about it. I showed him the game i was playing that teaches you to play; Rocksmith if you're curious. He was very interested in learning himself and i told him that anytime we were off work together he was more than welcomed to come learn with me. We both knew our schedules conflicted but he said that he'd do it. I feel guilty about having a schedule conflict with him. I feel deprived of the possible times just to be near him sharing something as simple as a video game. I hurt.

I feel guilty for not telling him how i feel.

I feel guilty for not being there for him.

I feel guilty for not being able to find him the things that would make him happy.

I feel guilty for feeling this way.

But most of all i feel an incredible sadness for not my lost, not his family's lost, not his friend's lost, but i feel incredible sadness for you... the people that never were able to meet him and the people that never was able to experience the joy he could bring to people with just a smile. He was one of a kind, and that's no exaggeration. He was perfect. He is missed. And if i could trade my life to add another year to his i would consider it a bargain.