Fear keeps me here.

Today I went back to school, this weekend seemed extremely long, but I accomplished something that I never though I could before. Eventhough you would think that coming out on the internet would be a simple process, it wasn't for me. I barely got up the nerve to email that guy from that web site, knowing that he is gay, just to ask a simple question. I know a big part of this fear is that I'm Paranoid when it comes to my sexuality. I wonder if any one is looking through my windows, seeing all the webpages with the Pride Flag (This Is Not An Unfounded Fear, I Live Near noisy People who do Look into windows before they knock just to make sure your home). Then I wonder if anyone I know is reading this BLOG, and slowly figuring out who I am. And also I'm worried that I will let it slip. One of the funniest fears I have is that I think that I'm going to tell someone I'm gay in my sleep. My sister talks in her sleep and I'm afraid that I do too. But my most terrifying fear is using the wrong pronoun. I keep having to catch myself from saying he or him, and instead use Them, They, someone, or person. I want to say, instead of "When That Special Someone Comes along", Say "When That Special Guy Comes along". But one of the most resent fears is slipping that I think someone is cute. A couple weeks ago, I seen a guy (A very cute cub, but a convicted robber, LOL. He was there to talk to the class, I have no desire to go to a jail to meet people. I'm not that weird.), and almost said "he's Cute". This was in a car, after class discussing what they said, with the people I carpool with to school, and they don't like gays. They are some artifacts that came from the old high school I went too, and they are not afraid to use Fag whenever they see fit. I still wonder why I'm afraid to stand up to these so called "Friends"? But I've made a deal with myself, and I'm making a promise to you. One year after I graduate I will no longer hide my true self, even if I don't know the true me yet. This fear is causing too much pain, and for what? Making other people comfortable? I'm tired of putting myself last, and having to lie to be accepted. My life is just as valuable as another life, and my love is just as pure as another love

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"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

"Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is."
German Proverb