Sharing my Story...

I though I would tell more about me and my life.

I was born and raised in the same place, Bristow Oklahoma. Bristow is a very small town, only 3.3 square miles, and has only about 4,400 people. But for a small town we have a big name factory; Kwikset, a black & Decker company (Kwikset Makes door knobs).

I can't remember a time that I didn't think myself as gay (even though I didn’t know the correct term for it), I just have no memory before the event that made me realize that I was gay. The event happen when I was young, I can’t actually remember how old I was but I think it was when I was 5 or 6, anyways I was very young. All I really remember is that the event was very sacrilegious. My 2nd cousin, which was at my house everyday when I was young, one day she came with two pictures that she ripped out of the bible. The pictures were of Adam and Eve. She took the image of Adam and gave me Eve, and told me that she had the man and that I had the woman, and that was our dates. And I clearly remember that I was jealous, I wanted Adam (lol I’m definitely going to hell for that one). And even with that event I still didn't fully grasp what I was, I didn't realize that I was gay; I didn’t even know what gay was at the time.

It would be years later, until I knew the name for the feeling that I was feeling. I learned the name of this feeling from another 2nd cousin. He spent one night over at my house, and I don’t know how the topic came up, but he was talking about someone he knew that was bi-sexual. And asked me if I was bi-sexual. I asked him what that meant, and he explained it all to me; bi-sexual, straight, and gay. I don’t remember what I told him, or that I even said anything at all; but I knew from then on out that I was gay.

Years passed after learning what being gay was, this was the beginning of my dark period. This started at the tail end of elementary school and straight through high school and even the beginning of college. Senior year of High school was by far the worst time in my life, but was also some of the fondest memories I have was from Senior year. I was very depressed during those times; I even was committed to a psychiatric hospital for a couple days, because some thought I was suicidal (they were kinda right [it had crossed my mind, but no serious thoughts about it], but ask the employees at the hospital, and they will say I was the world’s greatest. i even got out early then what normal people ommited for observaion do). But between the beginning of my senior year and the ending of it, something changed. I accepted the fact that I was gay, but that didn’t diminish my hope that I would be straight one day. The best time in my life was during our senior trip (we went to Florida), I reconnected with a dear friend from elementary school. But after the trip I lost touch again.

During the summer break, between High school and college (yea I took summer off), I realized that I was gay, and that noting was going to change that. This angered me; that I couldn't change myself, no matter how hard I tried. But that soon faded, when I realized that I could live just as normal of a life as a straight man would. I might have to go through more hardships then a straight man would, but at the end of the day what would be different? But some days I relapse, thinking that I could never live a normal life; not that being gay isn’t normal, but that those who think that being gay isn’t normal will do there best to make my life a living hell.

That brings me to today; I’m depressed from time to time (only when gay people are publicly oppressed, it makes me think that we will never be accepted), but noting like I felt in High School. And I’m getting better about accepting myself. I rarely think that I cannot live a normal life, but it still happens. I have no illusions that I could be straight one day; now I don’t even want to be straight. I think I will have a tougher time being straight then I ever had with being gay, just because of all the shit I’ve gone thought being gay; the hiding, the crying, the despair, and the self hatred. Also this blog and the blogging community have helped me a lot, especially Koge. Thank you Koge, you were the first^* gay person that I’ve communicated with and will always have a special place in my life’s history, along with my composition 2 teacher, and others that have helped me

This is getting a little long, so I’ll end it here. I’m thinking of telling more in a later entry.

*= The first guy i emailed never replied, and you can't communicate without another person responding.

All the spoils of a wasted life...
~ Nine Inch Nails

do you know how far this has gone? Just how damaged have I become?
~ Nine Inch Nails

I wanna live, I wanna love. But its a long hard road, out of hell.
~ Marilyn Manson