Is This Hell? No, it's the Closet.

I don't think I’m going to be going to my sisters for a while (at least a couple days); it’s becoming too painful. I really want to tell them; even now as I type this I want to tell my sister. She is up, and in the next room, but I won’t allow myself to approach her and come out. Closet is such a pleasant term, for what it really is. It should be called Hell, because that’s where I am; I am in an escapable hell, that I will not allow myself to leave. There is the door, on the other side is happiness, but I cannot find the words or strength to open it. Do I really hate myself that much; to allow myself to feel this much pain? It seems so simple when I write this, but I know that as soon as I think about coming out, it becomes impossible. When I do think about coming out, it is like I cant process simple thoughts, everything slows down, and my hands and knees begin to shake. I didn't even shake in speech class, and that was with a bunch of strangers; this is alone with my sister, why can't I just come out and say it? I guess it is a bigger subject then anything I had done in speech, and it’s letting someone in on who I really am. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever come out or that I’ll ever be ready to come out. It’s a painful process, I know, but it’s also painful sitting here in hell; knowing that I can leave at anytime. I wonder what the near future holds for me? I couldn't even imagine that I’ve gotten this far a couple weeks ago; now someone does know I’m gay, and I’m talking about it with you, but I need more. I need to free myself, rise up and open that door so everyone can see the person that I really am, and maybe then I can start to live.

The heart of man is the place the devil dwells in; I feel sometimes a hell dwells within myself.
~ Sir Thomas Browne

Hell is no other but a soundlesse pit, Where no one beame of comfort peeps in it.
~ Robert Herrick