I just woke up a minute ago, today has been a long tiring day, and as soon as I did I checked my email, and when on blogger. I just finished reading Even Me from Koge. After reading it I decided I needed to comment, but I thought that my comment might be too long, and that I need to post my experience here.

A little while back, a year ago and before, I used the word Fag and Gay in a negative light repeatedly. It hurt me every time I used it, and maybe is a factor in my not being able to come out now. But I used it. I wanted to be considered straight, not be looked at differently, and where I came from every straight guy used 'Fag', 'Gay', 'Queer', and my favorite 'butt pirate'. So I guessed that’s how I can pretend to be straight, use all these hurtful words, and maybe they wouldn't figure it out. I even went as far as, to cover my sexuality, to talk about pimping my bitches and hoes and I even talked about making out with one of guys I carpool with's mom (as a joke *shutters*). Before I go on I’d like to apologize to all females, I know that as much as I hate fag, you probably hate bitches and hoes on the same level. It was rude and insensitive, I’m truly sorry. But at that time in my life the most important thing to me was being as 'straight' as possible, damn everyone else. One of the things I’ve done I wish I could take back, is calling one of guys I carpool with gay. Though, funny at times, it was the wrong thing to do. I remember one on running joke, me and the other guy I carpool with created, that was told.

"Hay! Are you gay?"
"No"
"Is your dad a guy?"
"Yes"
"Then Your GAY!"

(You had to be there. we also said that he liked to have sex with his dad, in a frog costume. God! Were we fucked up [his last name is similar to Inbred so I guess not too fucked up])

But what would he think, when I come out? That I wanted him, that’s why I called him gay, trying to "recruit" him? That’s far from the truth, it was just a way to be seen as a normal (God! I hate that word) straight male.

Now, I don't use those words. Unless it is describing me, and only then will I use gay. But the main difference is that I don't use gay as a negative, it is a positive. No matter how much I dislike going through what I’m going through, I know one day I will see that it is a positive and should be embraced. Until then, I’ll just sit back, and hear other people say it. And think to myself, "that use to be me". But when I do come out, watch out world, I wont sit idly by while you make fun of the community I’m growing to love.

Your friendly neighborhood Butt Pirate,
B_Smith

"Accept everything about yourself -- I mean everything, you are you and that is the beginning and the end -- no apologies, no regrets."
~Clark Moustakas