When Will I Let the Real Me Live?

Today has been an ok day; my younger sister and me went shopping, and tried to make her boyfriend something to eat. I did say 'Tried', we 'made' pasta. It’s so sad, that we messed up pasta. I'm going to blame it on her, I’ve made pasta before and it was decent, at least I thought so. What SHE created was a big blob of mush. But being the nice guy her boyfriend is, he ate it and said it was good. He's a DAMN DIRTY LIAR! Even though I didn't eat any, I knew that it couldn't be that good by looking at it. At least the Garlic Bread and Sauce was good, I did try that. We missed Ricky Lake, we made it for Jerry, but we had to hurry up and cook because she wanted to have it ready by the time he arrived giving us no time to watch it.

I just got back from there, I couldn't stand it, they were hugging, laughing, and just having a good time. It makes me sad just thinking about it. I want to have someone I can do that with. I almost told them, again. Well almost. Here’s how it goes,

I recently lent out my PS2 to some guy I’ve known for awhile, the first couple times he brought it back, but this time I haven't heard from him. Being usually mellow (I lied, I have no backbone. but mellow sounds better), I just accepted it as a fact, that I’m not getting it back. Well it pissed off my sisters (really pissed them off), but they didn’t do anything until today (its' been about 3 weeks since I lent it to him). She called and polity asked for it back, saying that I needed for some reason. Well I was thinking about telling her that she shouldn’t have done it. Knowing that she would ask 'why?'. And responding "something you don't want to know.". Knowing that she would ask 'What?'. That’s when I would lay it out saying that he might of seen me looking at a Gay pride site or something (which is a Remote possibility, but still a possibility.) and that it might of pissed him off. Then she would either pick it up or ask "are you gay?" then I would say, yes. Then beg her not to tell our parents, at least until I graduate and/or moved out.

I think that would have been a good way to come out, only because I never have to say the word gay, in relation to me. I don't know what it is about that word, its almost impossible for me to say (out loud) when describing myself. But I am gay, and I should accept the fact that I will always be gay, noting can change that. Even if I could change that, I wouldn't. I’ve been through too much to give up being gay; it’s been too much a part of me. My pain, fears, and hopes have shaped me into what I am today, and just to live through all that and turn away is not an option I’ll ever give myself.


Happiness can exist only in acceptance.
~ Denis De Rougamont

EDIT:
Forgot to say that i fixed my email link on the sidebar. i'm so retarted, it was so easy, and what makes it worse is that i was going to do all this crazy shit to make it look right when i had no need to. But even worse then that, is that i'm a computer programmer. LOL.. it was so simple.... i'm a dumb programmer.