My Day: 07/22/04

I just came back from watching TV with my sister, it has become a ritual lately; we watch TV and make fun of everyone on it. I guess I want to get in some quality time, because I don't know what will happen when I do come out. We watched Ricky Lake and Jerry Springer. When we watched Ricky, we had to make fun of our other sister, apparently, according to my little sister, a Ricky Lake Rep called back. So we had a laugh saying that Ricky Lake is going to go on air bitching out her for not calling back. Then we watched Jerry Springer, I enjoyed the show today, and it had a lot of gay people. Its nice to know that there are as many crazy gays as there are straight people. It kind of made me feel normal (too bad Jerry's fake). When jerry came on, the time my older sister gets back from work, my older sister joined us watching TV. And the first guest was a big bald man, which was going to marry a woman, even though he was gay. And his brother wasn't going to let him marry someone he doesn’t love. Well my sister made the comment, "hay Brian. How would you Like him at your backdoor?.... Knocking..". I almost pissed my pants; it was so funny to me. I wouldn't have laughed, but when she paused and said "Knocking" I couldn't help myself. It seemed like a perfect time to tell them I’m gay, just slip it in as a joke. I was about to tell them, but my fears kicked in and prevented me from doing so, but knowing jerry I probably will have many of those perfect times. Other then that my day has been horrible, I really want a gay friend, that I can hang out with, talk to face to face, and confide in. I'd take a lesbian even, but would rather have a guy; I’d think a guy would understand more. Which brings me to my point.

Why are Lesbians more accepted? I know that Lesbians have the same obstacles and hardships as a gay man, but it seems like people accept them more. I was listing to the radio today, and they had 2 conversations that included lesbians. And both were very positive and they even went to say lesbians 'are a wonderful thing'. It made me feel sad that i never hear that gay guys 'are a wonderful thing'. Will I, a gay man, ever be truly accepted by people? I know that people might understand, or even accept me on a different level, but will they ever be fully acceptable of my sexuality? Do they ever think that it would be better if gays were straight? They never think that it would be better if someone were gay. Can I draw the conclusion, with that information, that they think that gay is an undesirable characteristic? I believe that they do, so how can they ever fully accept me? Can they ever accept me?

I wish they would only take me as I am.
~ Vincent Van Gogh