Falling...

They came back, those old feelings, not even an hour ago. They came flooding through my head, that I’m only going to hurt them. That I’m being selfish, that my joy will cause them pain. I just finished crying, and I’m still feeling like shit. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why is my body revolting against me? My hand has still been spazing out, my head hurts, and I feel like a pile of shit. My knee is hurt, my side hurts, I can sleep, and I’m feeling like I did when I was younger. Why am I doing this to myself, every time I try I fall apart. This closet has great power, power I don’t know if I can overcome. Living this lie makes me feel hallow, and worthless. But I have to choose, I have to choose soon. What that decision will be, I don’t know. Either I falsely please them, or I please myself.

Maybe I should wait, but I don’t want to wait any longer. The better half of 23 years I’ve wasted, I’ve spent lying, I’ve spent hiding. Its been far to long, this time should of come so much earlier.

I’m hurting. Every time I see a couple holding hands, embracing, or just hugging it makes me feel so alone. I know if I don’t come out soon, I might never be able to love, myself or anyone else. Hating myself is the only thing I know; I’ve gotten pretty good at it. Now I can’t stop it, everything I do I examine it, to see what I did wrong, what mistake I made, and how I’m to blame. I feel so lost, and I’m afraid. I’m scared after all these years, just like the little boy that I once was. I hate that boy, my goal is to destroy him, he’s only making me angry. It is time to bury that bitch...