New Starting Point…

This is a new starting point, for those new to my blog and those to come, I’m going to try to sum it all up.

I was born in raised in a little town, called Bristow, Oklahoma. I’ve never been out of Oklahoma for extended periods of time, I think at most I’ve been out of Oklahoma for a week. This little town is really little, I’m not exaggerating; I’ve looked it up, and this town is only 3.3 square miles and has only 4,400 people. However, we do have a Black and Decker Factory, Kwikset; but that factory is moving to Mexico in a couple months. So our little town, is going to get smaller. I actually don’t live in town, I live about 9 miles south of it, in a former town (it doesn’t have enough people to be considered a town anymore) called Gypsy. I went to Gypsy Public School, from K to 8th, Because Gypsy didn’t have a high school. So I had to transfer to another school, and I had two choices, Bristow or Depew. I went to Depew, the smaller of the two, because that’s were most of my class mates were going. So I went to Depew High School, and that’s were I fell apart.

I’m gay, and living in a rural place, doesn’t help. I knew that I was gay when I was very little, almost 5/6/7 somewhere in there. It was summer or close to summer, I don’t remember going to school during the time of the even that made me realize I’m gay, I think we were out for summer break. But my cousin had something she brought from her house, two pictures. Adam and Eve, two full page color photos from her bible. She gave me Eve, and she took Adam. We were going to play house or something. Our House was a tent I had, and I couldn’t help but think that I wanted her picture. That I wanted Adam – That Eve didn’t interest me. That’s the point that I knew that I was different, that I liked the man more then the woman, something I knew wasn’t looked upon with a positive attitude. But I didn’t know why I felt this way, and I didn’t fully grasp the feelings that I was feeling, I didn’t know that these feeling ran as deep as they did.

Later, a couple years later, I found out what I was, I was gay. My cousin from texas, spent the night, and we stayed up late. Everyone else was asleep, and we were laughing at my sister because she would try to answer our questions in her sleep. Then we were talking about something, something I tired hard to remember but still haven’t yet, and it lead to him talking about someone he knew who was bisexual. My cousin asked me if I was bisexual, and since I didn’t know what that meant I asked him what was bisexual. He laid it all out to me, what bisexual was, what gay was, what straight was. I don’t remember if I answered his question. With the new knowledge I acquired, I started my downward plunge into the darkness.

Every time I heard the word gay, I knew exactly who they were talking about, and it was never positive. I decided right then and there, that I’m not going to be gay, I’m not going to be hated. I actually got down on my knees and prayed to god to change me, I prayed with tears rolling down my face. I offered him whatever he wanted, anything, just tell me what to do. After a year of waiting for a miracle, I decided that I’ve done something so wrong that god didn’t even want anything to do with me. So I decided to give the devil a ring, at this time I believed in the devil; and the devil would do anything for your soul. I offered it to him, just change me. He didn’t want me either, I got pissed; I said, like he could hear me, that if he didn’t I would worship god to my fullest ability. He called my bluff. Why did they not want me? I asked myself. Was I so dirty that neither god nor the devil wanted me? Then I started to look, not to god or the devil, but at myself. There was something wrong with me, and if I could fix it I would be ok.

I started to pick myself apart, piece my piece. Trying to see what I had done to deserve this. I found nothing, not a thing. So I decided that he might be judging me for future actions I might take, so I remained out of trouble. I’ve never been in trouble at school or with the law, but I’m still gay; not even a speeding ticket to this day.

I kept going further down in to depression, in high school I hit bottom. Then I fell further. Nothing I did was changing me, and every time I found a girl attractive (which only happened 3 times) it only hurt me more, because it never lasted nor was it as strong as it was toward men. And it was never sexual, like it was with men, I just though of them as very pleasing to look at, but again men were even more pleasing.

Then it came to me, there was no god (i'm now agnostic, i don't know what to belive now). I didn’t have to please him anymore, but I still had to be accepted by his people. So I felt the same, I still felt obliged to be accepted by them. A year after I decided god didn’t exist, I found Nine Inch Nails & Marilyn Manson. They made me feel a whole lot better. They didn’t care what people though of them, they spoke there mind, and the church attacked them. They never spoke of god never existing, but saying the god they worshiped didn’t exist; but the church said they did, and my opinion of the church fell. Their power had lessen, that they attacked someone, and didn’t even know anything about him. Maybe they were doing this to homosexuals, I thought. But I still hated myself, and fell further, because I though that I would never find anyone; not anyone like me at least. I felt so alone.

I stopped going out, I stopped going to school, I stopped living. I ended up getting committed to a psychiatric hospital, for like a week or so. It was weird, it’s the only time I’ve been on my own, without my parents. Everyone was nice there, but I was told that I was anti-social; but I have been trying to avoid people for so long, it became second nature. But before I went (HA! I didn’t go willingly, I fought tooth and nail), my dad asked me if I was gay. I got angry and said no. Then he said something that still echoes in my head, he said “good”. Good, what was so wrong with being gay, that made it better to be straight? Also when I was in the hospital I was asked if I was gay, I could of told the truth, they didn’t know me. When leaving the hospital I was bitter and angry at them all, that I was placed in this position because of them, because of me. I went back to school, and I didn’t miss another day that year of school.

While in school, I’ve only been asked if I was gay once, during Tech. I went to central tech during the last two years of High School, I took the brand new computer programming and software support class. The first day I was there, a guy came up to me and everyone else in that class, and asked them if they were gay. I said no this time too.

Finally, I graduated, and started to go to OSU-Okmulgee. I went for my degree in computer science. I still hid my sexuality. After getting my associates in computer science, I decided to get my bachelors in computer science. I went to OSU-Tulsa, but I was told that I needed 3 classes of calculus, and they didn’t offer it at their campus. So I went to TCC, but I had to choose a degree plan, so it started out as Mathematics then it turned into Pre-computer Science. But I still felt alone, no matter were I was, I was alone. Until my last semester of TCC; There was a lesbian in my Sociology class, and she was proud. I never talked to her, but we did team up on this bitch in class, that first day said "Homosexuality is Wrong and Nasty". She did a report on how gay marriage should be banned because it wasn't 'Holy'. i said, "What about Atheists? Why not try to ban them too? They don't even believe in god, how can that be holy?". and the lez was like "YEAH! Why not them?". i knew that she was thinking of adding Bitch to the end, i could see it in her eyes. i think she was surprised that i said that, because she turned around fast and looked amazed Like "WTF is that straight guy doing".

After, barely, passing Calculus III I graduated TCC. Now I’m in OSU-Tulsa, and now I’m finally trying to come out.

My coming out started a little earlier then my entry to OSU-Tulsa, but it didn’t go far. I was in Vegas, and I went to a gay pride shop. This was a huge step for me, I was surrounded by people that would accept me, if it wasn’t for my nervousness I would have never left that shop. I bought some porn, which remains as trophies, for me over coming my fears and walking in that store. Funny an important part of my history is porn, but it is proof that I was gay; I couldn’t undo what I am. After that nothing, no more progress; I got back into Oklahoma, and it was like nothing had changed.

About 2 or 3 months ago (the date I started this blog, to be exact) I began a journey; a journey that I’m still taking. I emailed a handsome gay man, one that has lived in Oklahoma. Asking him what it was like to live here. Never got a reply, but that doesn’t matter, I had done something. I couldn't become stagnant anymore, and I noticed that my google toolbar had blogger on it. I knew what blogger was and I decided that I had to get something off my chest. That was the beginning of this monstrosity. I thought after my first post that I could help someone by helping myself, that I needed to document my coming out, so they can have a human face to coming out, not just a packaged story, but a day by day, step by step, account. I thought that it would be years of blogging before I came out to anyone, but in no time I told my composition teacher from TCC. I told her as my last semester was ending at TCC. I emailed her and told her. She has been a big help.

After telling her, the semester ended and I was told that I didn’t pass my Calculus III test, that I didn’t pass the class (later i found out i did). But I wasn’t bummed, I felt enjoyment. Not only had I told someone, but I was going to come back, without the people I carpool with (the assholes, they talk badly about homosexuals). That I could be free that semester. I came home, and I decided to use my failure to come out to my sisters. I made myself look all depressed, until they asked me what was wrong, but they told me that I shouldn’t be down because I didn’t pass Calc III. I told them that wasn’t what was wrong. They asked what was, and I told them I couldn’t tell them. They finally guessed that I was gay, and then they knew. After awhile longer, I did some research on how gay Bristow was, looking for gay people living here. I found one guy that popped up, I’m not going to lie he caught my eye, but I didn’t have an premium account, so I couldn’t email him. Then I seen him again, on another personals site [yea, you see how scientific my research is ;) ], but on this one I noticed his screen name. It was unique enough that I thought that I could do a google on it, and hopefully find an email address. I did. I emailed him, and he replied. We talked twice, I think, then I met him in person. I went with him while he went to work, I was suppose to be going along to help, but I think I just got in the way mostly. But I enjoyed it. We still IM each other (actually I have an IM window open with him right now), but I haven seen him since; not even in a little town like Bristow.

After telling him, I told my new composition teacher, she seems uninterested so I’ll leave it at that. Then I told my little sister’s boyfriend. That was tough, the first straight male. I didn’t even have the courage to tell him, I relied on my new book, letting him read the title and asking me if I was gay. I still don’t know how he feels about it, I guess I understand that he might be uncomfortable, since I did shout that I love him while drunk (it was a joke – really it was, he asked my sister if she loved him, and she joked and said no, and I yelled “[name] I’ll still love you!” and then laughed). Yea, I can defiantly understand if he’s uncomfortable. Then I told, not too long ago, my sisters friend. She works at wal-mart and that’s where I told her. This time I didn’t puss out, I said that I was gay. I told her with my own voice, that I was gay, a powerful moment.

Now I’m trying to tell my parents, I’ve set a date I hope I can keep, October 11th, National coming out day; which happens to be only 1 day before my birthday. We’ll see what happens when that day comes, which is pretty soon. I just want to be free. I want to date someone, I want to get over my fears, I want to live my life. But I’m scared, what will happen to me? I know that my parents are the final hurdles; if I have their support I can make it easily. If I don’t, It will be difficult but I’ll make it. Its time that I stop being this scared little boy and become a strong gay man.

I would like to thank everyone, everyone that commented to this blog, everyone that emailed me, everyone that chatted with me, everyone that accepts me for me, everyone that made me feel strong. Thank you for making me better.

Underneath it all
We feel so small
The heavens fall
But still we crawl
~ Nine Inch Nails