I'm the worst homosexual in history...

I stopped into TOHR today... almost didn't. But i forced myself to, i had to; how could i think that i would be ready to go to sand springs (see below) if i couldn't go into TOHR?

I'm still afraid of being rejected by the gay community, i know that i shouldn't be, but somewhere inside i am. It's odd, but i feel undeserving, like i've done something terribly wrong. I know that it stems from me being in the closet for so long, and being as deep as i was in there. I knew that i was gay very young, and i hid it; and when asked directly i lied about my sexuality. I'm disappointed in myself. It might be a small part of me, but it is an important part; and i tried to deny and change it. Now that i do accept it, and i don't want to change, i keep remembering who i was. I guess I'm not quite done with the closet, i still need to accept that it's no longer an important part of me; that it's barely a part of me anymore; That i'm moving on.

Well lets get to what happened. I dove to Tulsa to pick up a new book, "Is it a choice: Answers to 300 for the most frequently asked questions about gay and lesbian people". I went through sand springs trying to see if i could find the high school, but it was getting dark and i decided i'd go in the morning. So i took the highway out of sand springs and ended up in downtown tulsa. I love downtown Tulsa, but i hate driving there. After navigating the one-way streets i found the road i needed to be on. Finally i arrived at the boarders on 21st street; i went to were the gay and lesbian section was. I picked up the book and checked out. After that i went to the casino, to see it's changes (side note: it's fabulous), then i started to head back into Tulsa. I took an exit back to 21st street and headed toward 41st street; where TOHR is located. I pulled into the little strip mall then drove around the parking lot which was shaped like an oval. I traveled around that oval once, then decided to just park. And before i knew it i was going in. There were a couple people in there, volunteers I'm guessing, they were just sitting around. There were a couple people, 3 i think, watching TV and one guy on a computer. Inside it looked like an office, because it doubles as an office i guess. There was quite a few books aligning the walls and separated by half a wall was the pride store. the store was just a couple tables, a couple shelfs on the wall and a display box. there were a couple things on the tables, but i was too nervous to take my time. So i rushed to the bumper stickers (what i was wanting) and picked out one; then as fast as i entered i was leaving, i bought a "Celebrate Diversity" bumper sticker and a HRC sticker (which was free, so i didn't actually buy it). as i was exiting it couldn't help to say 'fuck', i was that nervous and i was relived to be out of there. a problem though was that there were two people i didn't see getting out of their car to enter TOHR and they had to have heard me.

I sat in my car laughing at myself, thinking that there were in there taking about a crazy fag talking to himself. "man he was horny, he just walked out and said fuck. i didn't know if he was asking me or what!" but i felt good, real good. I don't know why, it doesn't make sense. i guessing that it was because i haven't done anything to progress in awhile, and this was something i wanted to do ever since i found out that there was a pride shop in oklahoma.

I guess the next thing i need to do is find more gay people to talk to face-to-face, i might have to ask my sister if she still knows the lesbian from depew; i just need to be in the presence of other gay people, and maybe the feeling that I'm being judged will fade.