When it Rains... IT GOD DAMN POURS!

Uhhhh... JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A GOD DAMN CRACKER!

Well, this wasn't the post i was going to do... but i can't help but do this one now... maybe the other in a few minutes...

Let me make this frank... after leaving Johnnie’s around 2:30 this morning... i came home to an email... The hottie that sent me an ice breaker, seen that i left clues all thought out my personal on Yahoo to find this site... well he found it today. Isn't that a Son-of-a-bitch?

God damn girls! I need to hop my ass over to Vegas right quick!

Ok, i'm going to have to tell him that i'm seeing someone i guess. EH! Some days i wish i could just be a whore! That isn't right! I'm going to throw a fit, and kick and scream, because it isn't fair... Why now? Why not in HS or my First Years at Collage!?!? WHY ALL AT ONCE! Someone is going to have to pay for this shit! PAY DEARLY!

God Damnit!

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Ok, enough of that for now, for what i was going to do before i got that email... i was going to tell everyone about... ME!

I know that there have been a few new people, so i'm going to sum up this whole project, so that they don't have to wade though my massive number of posts.

This Blog, has been my log of my days, since first coming out to another person. I've never got a reply from that person nor have i ever met that person but i sent him an email and that got the ball rolling.

That might not seem like a big step, but it was for me. There was at a time, and still today for some part, two sides (hence the title); the 'Gay' and the 'Straight'. I've known that i was gay since grade school, but only when i turned 22 did anyone besides myself knew. The first person that i told, that i knew, was my Composition II teacher from TCC. I felt like she would take it the best, and she did. Then i started to come out more, next were my sisters, i do believe. Slowly i was coming out, and started to feel better.

Before, when i was in high school, i felt awful. It was probably the most god-awful place i could have been, and is most likely the worst time i'll ever have. It wasn't my classmates... it was me. They all thought i was straight, one i've told said that she suspected but other then that i don't think any of them knew. There was the 'Faggot's tossed around, but i think i made it harder on myself. I was scared. Scared that i would disappoint. Letting someone else down wasn't an option for me. I guess that even though i didn't want to be loved by these people, i didn't want to be hated, and they would hate a faggot like me.

I survived High School, there was a time in high school that suicide seemed like an viable option. What i've seen on TV and Other Media, wasn't me. I wasn't that kind of Fag. It wasn't what i wanted, the loveless sex they portrayed. These haunted me; i thought that i was truly the only one like myself anywhere near. I would have to travel to the ends of the world to find a match.

I started Collage, still in the closet. I was in there deep, at the time i knew not one other gay man or woman. After that first summer i met my first gay Bristow Resident.

I live in a very small town, Gypsy; Well, it isn't even a town anymore, it was a good sized oil town, but when that went so did the people. The nearest town now is Bristow. It's small too, but it's not the smallest around here. I thought that i would be the only gay person here, i was wrong.

One day, my sister brought over two of her friends to watch a movie. This was before she knew i was gay, so she came up to me and told me that i might not want to stay in there, since one of them is gay. So i had to stay for that movie, which i seen about a billion times. J. was gay, that is what another gay person looks like. Not quite what i expected, but not that far off either. After the movie he left, and K. left with him, my sisters other friend (she is such a fag hag too). I learned that he worked in Bristow, and i've seen him a couple times working, even today i seen him working. I've wore some pride items, i hope that he seen them and understands that i'm family. I'm was so worried that my sister might had said something to him, something bad. Like, i didn't like gays or something. It still makes me think, what did she tell him, if anything, about me?

Shortly after that school started again, i ended up going to OSU-Okmulgee for a few years, and getting myself a Associates in Computer Science; and still in the closet, deep. After OSU-Okmulgee, i decided to go to OSU-Tulsa to get a Bachelors in Computer Science. They told me that i needed Calculus... lots of Calculus. They didn't offer it, neither did OSU-Okmulgee, So it was off to Tulsa Community Collage (TCC). I Took what i needed there, plus a couple other classes for fun. The second to Last Semester at TCC i seen someone that change me; a lesbian. A 100% out and proud lesbian. Can't remember her name, but i remember her wearing a pin; a pink triangle. We were both in the same Sociology class, and i sat right behind her. That pin, which she had on her backpack, stared at me the entire time i was in that class.

Also in that class was a bitch. The second or first day, she announced to everyone her view on homosexuality... it was... We was... I was 'wrong'. Around the end of the semester, we had a Group Oral Report to do, she done hers on Gay Marriage. Many in her group was against it, i think two broke away and gave there options on it. After all was said and done, our teacher asked if there was any questions we would like to ask them... no one raised their hands; not even the lesbian... "Ok, Nex...". My hand was now in the air; i had a question; i had to make my own personal history and declare myself on the side of the gay and lesbians. Her whole argument was based on that marriage was a union of a Man, woman, and God. I asked her if that was true, then why not ban atheist from marriage? The lesbian gave me this look, like "WHO THE HELL SAID THAT?" then quickly turned around and said "Yeah!". Then the bitch, said that she didn't NOT like homosexuals, even thought the first words i've heard come out of her mouth said she did, but that they shouldn't be allowed to marry.

I felt good after that, it was the beginning. I now was in support of my family, even though i would let anyone know that we were 'kin'. I supported, i said, the guy that i watched that movie with, J. I didn't know him from a brick in the wall, but that was my excuse... that i knew him. The next semester i came out to my teacher.

It was scary, i emailed her; finals were approaching, and she was gone on vacation. I was sitting in my C++ class, and being board i went to check my email. She had replied. I started to shake; badly. My teacher noticed, but didn't say anything. I closed the window, i couldn't open it, i waited till i was home. Even when i was home, i was shaken; i didn't want to read it, but i had too; and she said it was all ok. A huge weight was lifted; my fear would never come to past - dying a lie. That was a scary though for awhile, i didn't want to be known as a lie; she knew, there was no way that would happen now, someone would know. Then summer came and went and i came out to quite a few people. Even met another gay guy from Bristow, R.

I met him online, i was searching and wondering how it was to be gay in Bristow. found a lil info on him (a Screen Name), did a quick google search and got an email address. Emailed him, and before summer was though, met him a few times. That was fun, and he wasn't the opposite of me! In fact we shared a couple things that i found a lil weird, like we went to the same Tech School Had The Same Teacher; just that we attended different years! Well i guess that isn't that weird, but at the time it was amazing to me, but i was still in the 'no one is gay in Bristow, besides me and that other guy (J.)' phase.

Then it was off to OSU-Tulsa... the place where i really started to come out. The first semester was hard, because i was coming out. I could focus on anything; i was always, "i wonder if i should tell...", "i wonder if ____ knows", "i wonder what is next". It was bad, i even started to take up homework time to read about coming out and people's coming out stories. Good thing my Biz Comm class had an Oral Report, with a subject of our choice. I was going to do mine over the unfair treatment of Gays in the workplace; and i did! Also in the report i came out to the entire class. I had came a long way from just saying a smart ass comment like "Why not ban atheist marrying?" to telling people that i'm gay and deserve rights; a long way.

After that, not to long ago, i came out to my mother. It wasn't the best way. Yelling that she is a bitch and i'm gay, i don't think will ever be a good way, but it's out there. My dad doesn’t know yet, my extended family doesn’t know either but i suspect that they might... i haven't been asked when i'm getting myself a girlfriend in a long time.

Even though i'm grateful to myself for coming this far, i know that there is still a ways to go. But i'm ready for it, more now then ever. Hopefully one day that other side of me will be a distant memory; it's already faded so much.