Underneath it all...

I really enjoy music with fucked up lyrics, why? Because it reminds me how I felt and sometimes do feel to this day. I’d like to share some of those key parts of Nine Inch Nails’ songs that make me remember and describe how I feel and felt.

When I was first exposed to the knowledge that I wasn’t accepted because of my sexuality, I was angry. Not at those I suppose to be angry at, but at god and myself; and I think these lyrics sum up exactly how I felt.

Hey god, why are you doing this to me?
Am I not living up to what I’m supposed to be?
Why am I seething with this animosity?
Hey god, I think you owe me a great big apology
~ NIN

I used to be so big and strong.
I used to know my right from wrong.
I used to never be afraid.
I used to be somebody
I used to have something inside
Now just this hole that’s open wide.
I used to want it all
I used to be somebody
~ NIN

I wasn’t out or anything, because I knew that people thought it wasn’t ‘right’, but I didn’t know that people would hate me for it. That made me seal the door to my closet, I thought that If I would just wait I’d be ‘better’, which made my current situation even worse; now I feel ashamed that I thought that I was defective. These are lyrics of how I felt in the closet when it was still new to me:

Is there hope for me?
After all is said and done
~ NIN

Baby’s got a problem
Tries so hard to hide
Got to keep it on the surface
Because everything else is dead on the other side
~ NIN

After a few years of feeling like shit, I felt worse, I started to question weather I would ever be ‘healed’ or if I even wanted to be. It was a very confusing time in my life, but its when I started to think of what I wanted, but at that time what I wanted changed day to day; some days I would think that I could live in the closet forever, and others I felt that I had to escape from this hell. That’s when I started to not care about many things, and started to withdraw from everything.

Tried to save a place from the cuts and the scratches
Tried to overcome the complications and the catches
Nothing ever grows and the sun doesn’t shine all day
Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away
~ NIN

Broken bruised forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore
~ NIN

There is a game I play
Try to make myself okay
Try so hard to make the pieces all fit
Smash it apart
Just for the fuck of it
~ NIN

After a battle with myself I decided that I had to come out, maybe not then, but someday. I also started to care less then before, I was too broken to care. After realizing that I wanted to come out, I knew that I would have the biggest battle of my life ahead of me, and to this day I’m still battling myself.

I’d listen to the words he’d say
But in his voice I heard decay
The plastic face forced to portray
All the insides left cold and gray
There is a place that still remains
It eats the fear it eats the pain
The sweetest price he’ll have to pay
~ NIN

There is no place I can go there is no way I can hide
It feels like it keeps coming from the inside
~ NIN

All I’ve undergone
I will keep on
~ NIN

Goddamn I am so tired of pretending
Of wishing I was ending
When all I’m really doing is trying to hide
And keep it inside
And fill it with lies
Open my eyes?
Maybe I wish I could try
~ NIN

Now, as I battle this closet and my fears, I’m starting to feel regret; like it is too late for me, that I have token up too much time. There is still a lot I want to accomplish, stuff people that are out and heterosexuals have already experienced; I know that if I don’t come out I’ll never will experience those things. But every time I try to come out, something stops me; it’s my fears and my inability to allow myself to give up control over how people perceive my sexual identity. I also feel like I’m still broken, not because I’m gay, because I’m a homosexual that cannot admit it to those I know.

When I think I can overcome
It runs even deeper
~ NIN

A fool’s devotion
Swallowed up in empty space
The tears of regret
Frozen to the side of his face
~ NIN

Just a reflection
Just a glimpse
Just a little reminder
Of all the what abouts
And all the might have
Could have beens
Another day
Some other way
But not another reason to continue
And now you’re one of us
The wretched
~ NIN

That’s where I’m at today, but I hope one day these lyrics will be what I’m feeling:

I’ll become the sky
And I’ll become the sea
And the sea will come to kiss me
For I am going home
Nothing can stop me now
~ NIN

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
~ NIN

Sorry for the long post, I’m just making up for the two days I missed. I know it's a shttiy post, but at least it's someting; plus it's 4 in the morning here, i'm too tired to think of anyting.

P.S.
The Title is part of a lyric too..

Underneath it all
We feel so small
The heavens fall
But still we crawl
~ NIN