I need to get out of this fucking house!
One factor that makes me want to quit school is that I could get a job, thereby having money to move out of this house. I’d love to move out, and I’m currently looking for ways to accomplish this without having to slowdown or quit all together my schooling. But my options are limited, but not all together eliminated. There is one promising option, which is to move into my grandmother’s old house that is just up the street. It’s old as hell, and needs a lot of work, but it has walls and a roof. But the problem is that I can’t afford bills and stuff of that nature.
But I’d really like to move out, there is so much crap that makes me want to move, it’s staggering. But most important is that I’ll be out of this place, it isn’t always bad, but it it’s never good. Just today my parents were fighting, talking about a divorce and stuff. And I don’t need to hear everyone yelling around me all the time. But my whole life, I’ve only heard disapproval. If they didn’t have anything nice to say, you probably were going to hear it three times before the day was over. My dad is the worst, if there was one thing I’ve gotten from him, it was his pessimistic outlook. One of my worst fears is that I’ll become just like him, it’s sounds like a cliché, but it’s true.
Today he brought up the bible, our family has never been religious so it caught me off guard, but he said that it says that she was to serve him, or whatever that book says, because she was his wife. But it got me to think, if he is using such an archaic ideology, what would he think of me? I hate that I’m perceived this way, that I’m a sinner or whatnot. If it is a sin, and there is a god, then I’ll see them in hell. There is no way that they can understand, I know, but they can at least try. They can never know what it was like for me, to cry for hours at night, praying that I would change. They will never know how damaging I was to myself, because of this burden I carry. They will never know how damaging I still am to myself. And they will never know how happy I could have been. I just need to move on, and move out, so I don’t have to feel like that again.
23 years of this shit is more then enough.
posted by Brian Smith @ 7:41 PM
3 Comments:
I’ve personally never read the bible, but it was brought up enough around me (at school and chit’) that I probably know all the important parts. In high school I had a crazy teacher, that lied a lot (you should have heard the shit he came up with), and he claimed to read the bible, front to back, every year; and if that is what you become, I’ll pass.
I’ve notice the cult people too, I just wish they would finally catch their comet ride to the mother planet or whatever. Sometimes it’s scary, that these people think of themselves so highly, that no one can compare. BTW, I love the whole, “god works in mysterious ways.” As a response when bad shit happens to them; but ‘god hates you’ when bad shit happens to other people.
And I love when the cult people use ‘facts’. Just today, I saw a commercial for a local church that was telling people how amazed they are that 6 billion people take a whole day out of the year to worship Jesus. When there, I believe, is more like only 2-3 billion people taking that day off for Jesus. And if they are anything like my family, Jesus isn’t a factor that day, it’s good o’ St. Nick.
There is suppose to be an uber cult forming in OK, one of those new ‘God is good, now lets dance’ disco churches. You know the ones that still hate homosexuals, but they are cool enough to gather up teenagers to have ‘God Raves’. I think I linked to something that mentioned one in Oklahoma, which has a Halloween thing that supposed to scare the bejesus into kids. But they better be glad, and hope that I stay agnostic, because I’m finding myself a little opinionated [read: raging bitch] when it comes to the topic of homosexuality being deviant. And if they brought up gay marriage, which they most likely have in the past, the back pew, where I’ll be sitting, will look like a scene from the Exorcist.
I’m usually mellow and quite, but if you push the wrong button at the wrong time; ohhhhh shit! I’ll verbally assault you like you never been verbally assaulted before. So far, the button has only been, forcing me to do something (physically forcing), but I know that preaching that homosexuality is deviant is defiantly one of them. Push the button, the bitch answers.
And don’t worry about me going to one of those schools, I wouldn’t even get thought the door.
But I have no problem with religion, as long as they don’t try to force me to believe what they are selling. Hell, I was going to go to church during that whole Sand Springs, anti-gay protest thing; if they have the balls to be in Oklahoma and fully accepting of a homosexual, then they have my respect. But when they are not, that’s where the problem comes into play.
As for my dad… he’s hopeless. Basically, this is how it goes in my house, I don’t talk to my parents; they don’t talk to me. If it isn’t a ‘Yes’, ‘No’, or a grunt; it’s everyone yelling at each other. Me and my little sister are the only ones that talk in the whole house, that isn’t yelling, and we say retarded shit most of the time. Serious conversations never happen, and probably never will; that’s why I suck when it comes to talking to people.
I don’t have a problem with religions either, as long as they know that not everyone believes what they do; nor should they. But when they open their mouths, trying to speak for everyone, I get really pissed off. Fine, you don’t like gay marriage, so fucking what! I don’t want to have heterosexual sex, but I don’t see that there were any Anti-Vaginal-Penis Sex laws.
As for homosexuals being like alcoholics… Well if she meant the life of the party, then yep. But seriously, that’s fucked up. Resist? Why don’t heterosexuals resist? I’m tired that I’m the one that is told to resist because of interpretation of a book. But really, if you do resist, are you a homosexual? So when do you actually become a homosexual? In mid-fuck, do you have to stop, because you’re now a homosexual and have to resist? Lol.
But I hate when teachers brought up homosexuality, and I really hated when this bitch from my Sociology class brought up gay marriage. Because not only is the teacher most likely a bitch about it, but the students are assholes too. I remember in my sociology class we had the class separated in groups, and we had to pick a topic and do a report about it. Well, there was this one group with an skank ass bitch. She had earlier announced in class, that homosexuals are ‘Wrong’ (she wasn’t the brightest, at least give me ‘Dirty Sodomites’). All while in the same room with a Lesbian that could have whipped her ass - no problem. For a little bitch, she had some balls; but her group did gay marriage. Her stance was a ‘No’. I sat back, behind the lesbian, that day. We were pissed. She made the whole, “it’s a religious union that needs to be protected” bullshit excuse. I wasn’t going to say anything, because at the time I was deeper in the closet then I am now, but I had to. I asked her why then could an atheist get married, when it wasn’t a ‘holy union between a man, a woman, and god’, a phrase she used quite a bit.
She tried to wiggle her way out [by not answering the question], saying that homosexuality wasn’t bad, they just should be allowed to marry. And I was amazed that this bitch, who at the beginning of the semester said it was ‘wrong’ is now blowing this ‘Homosexuality isn’t bad’ smoke up my ass. If it’s one thing I hate more then a homophobic bitch, it’s a lying homophobic bitch.
But all in all I think I impressed the lesbian, she looked back at me when I was talking and as soon as I was done she was like “Yeah!” to the bitch. And that is probably the first time I really felt like a good homosexual, because that bitch deserved to be busted.
--
I hope she isn’t in Tulsa, we have enough of them around here already; what we need in Tulsa Is more Gay and Lesbian organizations and visibility. I’m hoping that I can attend the gay pride parade this coming year, but I’m wondering which one to attend, Tulsa’s or OKC’s. I’d like to go to Tulsa’s because there will be people a little more close to where I live, but I’d also like to go to OKC’s because it is going to be bigger. But that is something that I’m planning on attending, so I can be among the alcoholics… errr Homosexuals.
My dad would be wishing he’d be in a hellhole old-folks home, I’m going to leave him to my older sister, she can take care of that shit. I’m going to be too busy drinking away my sorrows, err living my dirty sodomite lifestyle.
Merry Fucking Christmas to you too!
She tried to wiggle her way out [by not answering the question], saying that homosexuality wasn’t bad, they just SHOULDN'T be allowed to marry.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home