Me... again.

I was asking myself why am I the way that I am, not the homosexuality [that’s because I’m fabulous] but the whole emotionally cold thing. I’m not emotionally cold (on the inside), but I do hide my emotions, even when I’m expected to show them.

My parents like many others, always taught me that showing emotions is a weakness, by telling me that ‘big boys don’t cry’ and so fourth; but not only that, if I recall correctly, they said once that people wouldn’t like me if I cried. This was also reinforced by my grandparents on my dad’s side. So I hid and still hide my emotions. When people ask me how was my day it’s always, good, unless it’s been a real shitty day then it’s not too good; Still good mind you, just not that good.

But not only pain was I suppressing, there are other emotions that I also hide. They are the same emotions that were withheld from me. I think if I counted all the times someone told me they loved me on my hand, it would only take only one hand. And even less fingers if you were counting the times someone has told me they were proud of something I did. So I wonder if these things have made me emotionally cold on the outside, or is it my many fears that make me this way. I know that I feel strong emotions on the inside, but what is keeping me back from showing some of those; Fear or my Past?

There is one more thing, that is along the same lines, physical touch. My family has never been the type to hug or any other physical contact that wasn’t done out of anger or to inflict pain. I know I’ve escaped the violent parts of this, but I’m not so lucky when it come to being touched. One event that I remember is that this girl just touched me on the hand, it wasn’t one of those ‘necessary’ touches, it was just a touch for the sake of touching. There was no sexual association, but it sent jolts down my spine. I’ve never been ‘unnecessarily’ touched again. Now whenever someone is going to touch me I jerk away. When I’m sitting down to eat with someone, and our legs touch, it’s like I’ve been shocked by the contact. It isn’t that it would bother me to be touched, it just that it causes me to feel differently; and as for the leg touch under the table, I feel that they might be offended; so I also avoid contact. What is odd though, is that I want the opposite of that; I want to be touched; I guess that’s why I really would like a boyfriend.

But all that shit is something I’m going to have to work on; right now I’m using blogger for the emotional shit [yep, you hear shit that I don’t tell anyone else], but as for the being touched, well I could always give prostitution a try. :)