My Life is...

Just a bunch of odd coincidences, and blind luck. I’m not the type of person that believes in luck or karma or anything like that, but the way my life has been I should. Every time I think or say something, I almost always see or here it later, from either my sisters, family, friends or even from the internet. I always seem to stumble on what either I’m thinking or feeling, without searching for it. It’s odd at times, but I guess that I’m influenced by the same factors everyone else is, and it wouldn’t be all the uncommon for people to be influenced in the same way. But I’ve also been very lucky. Whenever I needed money for something important, it always seemed to fall into my lap; and just a couple days ago it happened again. I went to Borders to see if they had the new Advocate, they did not, not wanting to waste a trip to Tulsa, I went upstairs to the gay and lesbian books; and on the shelf, stacked sideways over the top of the other books, was Queer Blues; it’s like it fell into my lap. Not a day later I was feeling really bad, yesterday. I still feel bad, and what happened after that last post has been harrowing. I’m not quite as good off as I though I was, this little bump in the road sent me spiraling.

When I’m usually depressed, I don’t eat; but this time I did eat. I ate a lot, and I wasn’t even hungry, and all day I did nothing but just mope around. I couldn’t bring myself to study for finals, which I’m going to probably fail, but I’m still in my funk and couldn’t care less. I’m going to have to wake up early tomorrow, and study, and I decided that the best thing to do is get this off my chest. Maybe if I post this it will help a bit, but this time it’s different; it’s not the usual depressed me. It is different, very different; unlike the other times, this time there is only a glimmer of despair, unlike the other times where despair was a major factor. I feel hallow, cold and uncaring; which isn’t true. But every time I tell myself that, I think that if it wasn’t true, I would of never thought of it; therefore it is true.

Another thing that is different is that usually TV is an escape, but now it just angers me. I watch commercials, and commercials like ‘The Swan’ anger me. These people so fixated on their meaningless problems, when they will never feel the pain of real problems. And most of all I’m angry at myself, because my homosexuality, I believe, is one of those meaningless problems. I should be happy that I have a roof over my head, that I have the support of my sisters, that I’ve been blessed with luck, that I’ve never had to miss a meal, that I have never been without electricity or heat. And now I’m angry that I’m the one who is depressed, when I have nothing to be down about. I feel selfish.

But I’m probably just creating problems for myself; I’ve always been my own worst enemy. I’ve always been slightly self-destructive.

But I will get better.

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On a more positive side, my little sister’s BF was talking to her, and told her to tell me to change to channel 8. On Channel 8 there was a segment about the gay guy from Sand Springs; it seems that Nightline is doing something about him. I’m impressed that he [my little sister’s BF] is being as supportive as he is. That was the best part of today. I hope that tomorrow is better, and I hope that this is only a small episode of a shitty mood.
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Oh and someone sent my older sister a pizza, she didn’t order. I didn’t know that we had delivery, which is another one of those odd coincidences; I was talking to a guy from Broken Arrow, and I mentioned that we didn’t have delivery. Seems that I was wrong, I know pizza hut doesn’t deliver; the only other pizza place is Simple Simons – which I didn’t know delivered . Total bill: $25, My older sister blaming my little sister: Priceless.

My little sister claims that she didn’t do it, and I believe her; we think that we know who did.