The hardest part is letting go.

Today is going to be hell. I have a calculus III test and I'm totally lost, except when it comes to the integrals. But the rest I barely grasp. I'm just glad this is my last Calculus Class; I barely passed the other two. I just hope today’s car ride to and from school isn't like yesterdays. I guess it’s the blog, but lately I've had a stronger then usual urge to out myself. When I was in the car coming home this urge hit hard. It made me ache. I keep thinking, "what the worse that could happen?", but I kept my mouth shut. I want to tell that I'm gay when I'm not as emotional as I was then, also I don't think that I would have been ready to hear there comments. As we drove I held back tears, thinking to myself that I might never be ready to announce it and might be alone for the rest of my life.

How do you tell someone that you've been lying to them your entire life? After you tell them what’s next? What do you say after something like that? "I’m gay! Sorry to disappoint, I just like dick!"? I just wish for the day I can look back and read this, and laugh. Saying that I was too afraid, and didn't have a clue. I can’t wonder this world hating myself because I wont allow my true self be known. I need to come out, but it’s hard to commit to something that I can’t reasonably foresee its effect. I'm lost, where do I go from here? I seem to keep paddling in a circle, an endless cycle of pain and torture, devoid of love for myself. I need to out myself. I know this, but knowing what is right and doing what is right are two different things.

I'm a big fat puss; it's only 1 little sentence. "I'm Gay", two words that’s it, and I can ever bring myself to mutter them. Why? Is it because I only care for myself? Or because I don't want to hurt the ones around me? I don't even know. I guess it’s a mixture. Keeping in the closet spares me the stares, jokes, and hatred. While also I don't want anyone to be disappointed in me, or feel that I've betrayed them. But I will allow me to betray myself, disappoint myself and no matter how many jokes, stares, and violence inflicted upon me it pales in comparison to the pain and longing I feel now. But I sit back and act like everything is fine, while those I think I'm sparing are going on with their lives. Something needs to change.

Forgiveness means letting go of the past.
-Gerald Jampolsky