OCT 12, 1981:

That’s My Birth day, funny thing is that National Coming out Day is Oct 11. I might plan on that day, being the day. It would be a wonderful present to myself. But I sometimes feel like that date might be impossible; some days I feel like I have to live this lie the rest of my life, and other days I feel like I could just blurt it out at any second. I wonder what that day will be like; Will I finally reach my goal, or will I tell myself that there are plenty more Oct 11s?

I remember watching TechTV, when it was called TechTV, and hearing about a website that makes wakeup calls. Maybe I can find it and schedule a message to be sent to my parents and others on that day, so I have no choice and cannot turn back. But I doubt that I can even commit to that. How can a word have so much control over me? 'Gay', that’s it; that’s the word that scares me, and that fear has kept me in the closet for 22 years. Its weird, the word that scares me so much is the way I want to be. I want to be openly gay, I want to live my life without having to examine everything I do and say to see if it would be considered 'Gay'; but there have been days that I would give anything to be like everyone else, especially when I was younger and all I knew was stereotypes. But I’ve always been in conflict with myself, once I thought that it was a phase, and then I thought that I was bisexual. It isn't a phase, and I’ve only been semi-attracted to 2 women and I knew that I could never be as attracted to them as much as I was to men. But I have faced it, kind of, that I am gay; and being semi-attracted to 2 women doesn’t make me bisexual (it makes them men j/k). I don't want to be bisexual, gay, or straight; but I am gay, and it doesn’t matter what I want, I will always be gay. I just want to be happy; I just want to live this life to the fullest. If that means being open about being gay, I have a lot of work to do. And in the end I will reap the rewards of my struggles.

Words of poisoned darts of pleasure
~ Franz Ferdinand

Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
~ Bernadette Devlin

Opportunity follows struggle. It follows effort. It follows hard work. It doesn't come before.
~ Shelby Steele

EDIT: July 26 2004.
Oh, yea. My birthday is also Columbus Day, so maybe that’s a sign too; Finding a new world. (Sorry for that, I know that it was the dumbest thing I’ve said so far; not to say that I can't drop lower, I can.)