Less then a man?

I've never felt that I was less of a man because of my sexuality, but I have though that I was less then human because of it. But now thinking about it, the homophobes are the ones who are not men; they are children afraid of what they will not accept. Sometimes I feel that I’m just as bad as the homophobes; I am gay, and I hide it, isn't that just as bad as what they do? But then I have to realize that me being gay is a big deal, not that it should be, but it is and should be handled with caution; people will not understand, and many will discriminate or change their option of me, because of what they think I have chose. As I have said many times, I did not choose this, I was born this way and I will die this way, nothing they, god, or myself can do about that. This experience (being gay), has taught me valuable lessons (and still is teaching me), and, in a weird way, is making me stronger then I could ever be if I was straight. I've been though some dark times, and now I think I’m starting to see the light, maybe I can rise above everything so I’ll never think of myself on the same level as a homophobe.

Hopefully that time will come soon, today has been a tough day though; I’ve had the strongest feeling of wanting to come out today then I’ve ever had. I can almost feel the words in my throat trying to push their way to the surface. But I’m still down here in the darkness, and I still haven’t found the courage. Maybe when I have a group or person that I could fall back on, I could push myself to do it, but until then, or when I do find the courage, I guess I’m going to have to stay here in the closet. It seems so unfair that everyone I know is able to live their life, without the fears I have; even the gay people I do know seem so much stronger then I could ever imagine that I could be.

I always thought that coming out would be a quick event, that one day I would wake up and tell everyone. But I should of known that it would be a process that takes time, but I never looked at it like that. Thinking it would be a, once and it’s done thing, and it not being that is really depressing me; it feels, sometimes, like I’m going too slowly and that I’m not doing it right. I truly don’t know what will be the next step I’ll commit to and accomplish, but I hope it’s happens soon and creates a chain reaction that causes me to fully come out.

Coming out has even plaque my dreams lately, especially within the last couple days. The dreams never end on a positive note, and sometimes they don’t even start with one. They usually, but not always, begin with me finally accepting the fact that I have to come out and doing something about it, and end with a lot of yelling and screaming. Sometimes they begin with yelling and ends with yelling. But no matter what my dreams are tying to tell me, I know that coming out is something I’ll have to do sooner or later.

But all-in-all I know that some people cannot and do not want to come out, and that’s what is best for them, but as for me I know that I cannot live that way no matter how much I want to. I just hope that one day comes soon, where I can totally honest about my sexuality.