Mr. Self Destruct.

Why can't i seem to get rid of my faults? More specifically my negativity. Is it a fault even? It probably has saved me many times from disappointment, because the actual outcome wasn't as bad as i had imagined.

But my negativity has been bothering me lately. It seems that every time i start to have a pleasant though, especially about the future, I tear it down piece by piece. I conjure up horrible scenarios for the future, that take place of the positive up beat ones as I have them. I tell myself that I’m not capable of having this or that; then I replace it with what I think [and even as I type this, still think] will happen, usually the opposite of what I was envisioning.

Take for instance; I start to daydream about a future with a house and a partner, and a good job. Everything Is as perfect as can be, until I realize that this is a pleasant daydream. First the partner has to go, of course; Reasoning: I’m 23 have had no date/kiss/fuck/etc. so why would I even have the balls to think I could have that in the future… then the job has to go. I really don’t think I have any sort of skills, and when people ask me what I’m good at, honest to god, I go blank. So since I have no skills, I have no job. No job equals no house. So my future turned into a pleasant and peaceful life outcome, to me being homeless and alone.

And not only daydreams are like that… like if I plan on going somewhere, lets take something recent: I’d like to go to a gay bar or club; now let me tear that down. First, I’m not going to have the courage to walk in there, because I’m a puss. But I sometimes let myself a little slack and allow myself access. But if I do go in there, no one is going to like me, for a very good reason; I’m me. I can never hold a conversation; I have nothing important or interesting to say. I have no redeeming qualities. And if there is a person that does like me, which would be rare at best, I’d find someway to drive him off.

So my mission is to prove myself wrong; I’m going to have to work on it, but I should be able to put a considerable dent in my negativity. It’s my plan for ’05, to do something that I’ve been afraid to do, so far; something that my negativity has been tearing down. I have a lot of actions to pick from; I just hope that I actually prove myself wrong, because that would be devastating if I was actually right.