Turning my life into shit.

As much as I like to say these people and these events have made my life miserable, I have to remember that I’m the one that made my life shit. Yea, they didn’t help matters, but I’m the one ultimately to blame. I’m the one that let their comments and actions effect me. I’m the one that wasn’t proud to be me. I’m the one that wasn’t taking action.

I’ve let people’s negative comments and actions take over my life, if I was a stronger person they wouldn’t have. They said that homosexuality was wrong and if you were a homosexual that you were going to hell, and I believed them. They didn’t even have to force me to believe it; they just had to repeat it enough around me for me to believe in it. Now that I’m a little stronger, I’m making up my own mind; I now believe that homosexuality isn’t wrong and I’m certainly more likely to go to heaven then they are.

Once I wasn’t proud to be gay, I thought that something was wrong with me; that I was defective. But, again, I let myself believe that; and no one but me could make myself believe that. No one held a gun to my head, and made me think that. But now I’m not disappointed that I’m gay, now I don’t think that there is anything wrong with my sexuality; it’s a part of me and I don’t want to change that part of me. Even though, don’t exactly like myself, as much as I should, my sexuality is no longer a factor in my dislike in myself.

I’m also the one that wasted my life, wasting my life is my biggest regret; I wish I could of accepted my sexuality earlier in life, and totally embraced it. I sometimes wonder what I could of done if I was out, maybe I could have met other people like me, or even find a boyfriend. I still haven’t made myself explore what is all out there, I still haven’t had a boyfriend and just recently I met another gay guy. And whom do I have to blame for that? Not the homophobic world, not my parents, not my grandparents (close though)… no one but me.

It’s always been my fault, and hopefully it will be my fault that I’m out; I want the one to out myself to be me, I don’t want to be backed in to a corner then telling them. I don’t want them to find out, when they see me with another guy. I don’t want them to find out from someone else. I do want them to find out by my own voice, I don’t want to play 21 questions with them. But, again, it’s my fault that I’m weak and scared to tell them. Sometimes I wonder if god isn’t playing a sick joke on me, but god isn’t to blame either. I’m the one that lets people intimidate me, I’m the one that believes in their lies, and I’m the one that wanted to be just like them.

I’m not letting them off the hook though, they still had a big part, a part that never should of happened. But I’m the one that let it get to me; I’m the one that made them better then me. But they are not better then me, they are below me and I’m not going to believe a word they say. They can keep their hatred and their discriminating god to themselves; I refuse to believe in a god that create those destine to go to hell, only one that will love unconditionally.

I’m trying to fix the damage I’ve caused; hopefully, one day, I can say that I’m the one that made my life great. I’ve came out online, I’ve came out to my teacher, I’ve came out to my sisters, I’ve talked face to face with another gay guy, and now I’m planning on going further; those events made me, not only stronger, but happy. I’m glad that I’ve done those things, now I need to do more. I need to go out and live my life, instead of spending that time hiding my true self.

I never really hated the one true god, but the the god of the people I hated.
~ Marilyn Manson

On a totally unrelated topic:
I've scanned in my diploma just incase they wise up, and try to take it away from me and/or if you want your very own copy of a Brian Allen Smith diploma. :)