ERA ][][

What do you get when you take a big homosexual that has been in the closet all his life, add in a swelling of gay pride, continuous looping of Marilyn Manson’s Greatest Hits Album, and top it off with him coming out? The gayest template ever he’s ever made!

Yes, I was feeling the gay pride running through me, when I made this template (and Manson was making me feel good too), and it’s still there. It’s hard to believe that I feel this way for something in the past I felt the opposite about, but I do. It use to be that I though of being gay was a curse, at least when it came to me (it was find that others were gay, but why me?), but now I feel giddy about it. I now belong to a group of wonderful people, that everything that lead me to believe that it was a curse was just fears and lies. That my fears of being different kept me from embracing it, and their lies made being gay totally different then the norm. It is just ONE thing that makes me different then a straight male (well two if you count being bad ass), ONE little thing, ONE thing that isn’t even worth effort to oppress. Nevertheless, I did oppress my feelings and desires, to make everyone happy, but in turn I created a wreak of a human being, myself.

I’m without equal when it comes to shyness, I’m always afraid of peoples reactions, and my emotions have been bottled up for so long I don’t even know if all of them still work; all because of the closet. Nevertheless, I’m getting better, I’ve came out online, some people know offline; I’m still afraid, though, of peoples reactions, but just not as much anymore. I want them to react, I want them to get upset sometimes, because if they don’t it would make me feel worse; that I’ve kept this secret for nothing. And I’m starting to let myself feel again, I’ve bottled up my emotions for so long; I remember that whenever I use to feel happy, I would remind myself that I’m lying to these people that I’m not a person they would be joking or hanging around with if they knew, which quickly destroyed that pleasant feeling. Maybe it was punishment for being in the closet, punishment that my own mild homophobia created.

But now I’m rewarding myself, I’m letting myself feel happiness again, I’m letting myself feel pride in the fact that I’m gay, and its just beginning. There is love and feeling of being complete that I still haven’t experienced, there is also the feeling of being wanted that I wish to experience. But most of all I want to look in the mirror and feel that I’m going to be ok, that I can make it in this world, and make a difference; that I have a place in society – that I’m satisfied – and I could never do that as a lie.

This is a new era, no longer is it the other side of me, it is me; like it has been all along.

Welcome to the next chapter...