Deeper into the abyss.

Well those 3 hours was a shit storm. right after writing about my cat, I decided to read the rest of the blog, to see what I wrote. After reading it an idea came into my head, what if I tell someone I know, who cannot tell. I know that teachers have a code of ethics they must fallow, and one part regards confidentiality. So I was thinking, but not for long, who to tell. As soon as I started to think, maybe I knew whom I would tell along thought, that I wanted to tell Melanie, my composition II teacher. She was the only one I think would not judge me. So I looked up her contact info, found her email address. I thought to my self that email would be the best means to communicate, because I cannot escape the people I carpool with (we have the exact same classes and schedules) and I know if I told her face to face I would break down more then I did a couple mins ago. A little on that later. But when I went to email her I froze. I couldn't even open my email client. That sent my good day into distant memory. I felt the worst kind of pain, worse then any emotional pain that I’ve felt before. Even the person I think I can trust intimidates me so much, how will I ever get thought this? I even thought to myself it would be better, if I were dead. I would cause no pain to my family when/if I come out, I would cause no more pain to myself hiding what I am. I don’t' know what to do. I can never love a woman like my parents want me too, and if I keep this secret I can never love myself like I want to. But now I’m just angry. I’m not broken they are, they are the ones expecting something I can never give, they have the problem. Why should I bend over backwards to please them? Why do I have to put myself thought this day after day? 
 
I know today is going to suck; I guess I’ll just sleep today off.
 
Btw. this is the second Draft, the original I created earlier when I was teary eyed. After reading it I felt that I was not ready to post it. Its too raw, it made me uncomfortable, and it’s too grim even for me.

 I'm going to try to email her again. Pray to your god for me, I need all the help I can get.