“They’re here…”

Well not they, he, he is here; well not here either, there, there at my older sisters house. So I guess I didn’t scare him away, or he’s packing up his shit, as I speak, well not speak, type, as I type. I guess I’ll be seeing him tomorrow, after my sister is back from school, unless something happens between then and now.

Again today, I was in disbelief that I told him; I don’t know why but my mind is having a tough time accepting it. I found myself asking, if I did actually tell him, when I knew good and well that I did. I wonder what this week will bring; I want to come out some more. I planned to tell one or both of my sisters 2 friends that I told you about earlier, but that didn’t happen; instead I took a bigger leap out of the closet, a leap I didn’t plan on in advance, a huge leap that has effected me in ways I’m only starting to realize. When riding home today, it hit me that he knows, and 5 others know; that no matter how hard I try, I can never be fully back in the closet, that I have no choice but to go forward as a gay man. I look at my situation differently now. I use to think that I could only live in the closet, but now that’s no longer an option; and it provides a sense of relief, that what I feared most, not being able to be me, is no longer an possibility, that no matter how hard I try to convince myself, people know. I’m forced in to liberating myself; something I wanted all along.